I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize