Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
