I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
