heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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