when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
