Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
