I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can text with my tongue
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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