Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
