dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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