I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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