I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize