as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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