her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize