If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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