Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
