I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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