I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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