I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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