i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
