I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
