Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Still dying that you shit outside
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
