The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
