There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
