Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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