Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
