Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
