Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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