There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
