K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
