You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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