I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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