I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
