At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
