I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
How's work?
Spinning.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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