Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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