i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
