I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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