so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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