remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
