so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
