onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
