Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
