my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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