I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
