I hate your face
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
