I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
