We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
