i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
