you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
