so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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