I just threw up on my dentist
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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