my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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