Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This is my gift to your gina
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
