2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
