Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
