I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
