it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Mom said you looked used
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
