i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
