Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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